Poorly Photoshopped NBA Free Agency Frenzy

So here we are at the culmination of the craziest free agency period in the history of the NBA. Now that Lebron had a useless hour long show, all of the big free agents have officially picked their teams for the 2010-2011 season. So now comes the best part. What is the best part you may ask? Of course the best part is players being photoshopped into their new team's jerseys! So without further ado I present you with the big free agents heads on different people's bodies. I hope you enjoy my photoshop skills.

1. Lebron in Miami:

 

 2. He'll be playing with Chris Bosh who is now in Miami:

3. and D-Wade will still be in Miami: (yes I photoshopped this one too)

4. Now Amare is lonely on the Knicks:

5. Carlos Boozer is cool with being on the Bulls now:

6. Here is what Lebron would have looked like had he gone to NY, NJ or CHI:

7.

7. and the Nets signed Travis Outlaw, the Timberwolves signed Darko Milicic:

Red Sox Mid-Season Report

As of today July 6, 2010 the Red Sox are 49-35, only 2.5 games out of first in the AL East, facing the 2^nd place Tampa Bay Rays and they are starting 5 players that started the year in the minor leagues or on the bench including starting pitcher Felix Doubront, a 22-yr old lefty with a total of 1 major league start under his belt.

This team has been absolutely plagued by injuries, the likes of which I have never seen. It’s as if a tornado of broken bones and sore muscles came barreling through the clubhouse and left us with a team that would more likely be seen in Pawtucket than it would in Boston. It really is unprecedented how debilitated this team is, and how all the injuries seem to be freak accidents. Losing multiple players to vicious foul tips is never a good sign. And then you have Adrian Beltre, the man whose apparent mission is to destroy Red Sox Left Fielders. Considered yourself warned Daniel Nava, you never know when he will strike, the only advice I can give is let him catch the fly ball.

Yet here we are, despite all of these setbacks, the Sox are still producing and still playing some quality baseball.  Boston had 6 or 7(depending on the final vote) players selected to the All-Star team although only 3 of them will be able to play in the game, that is assuming those players do not get hurt (currently knocking on wood). Outside of the injuries the biggest surprise of this season so far has been that this team actually has an offense. Not only does the offense just exist, it’s actually really good. They are leading the league in Runs, RBI, SLG, doubles, and total bases, and in the top 3 in Hits, AVG, OBP, walks, and HR. There are no two-ways about it; this defensive run-prevention team can flat out hit the baseball.  Their ability to hit and their starting pitchers are what have kept this team afloat and still in the AL East race.

Of course there are the usual suspects, like great years from Pedroia, Youk and Vic Mart and pitching of Lester, Lackey and somewhat of a surprise All Star season from Buchholz.  But their good fortune couldn’t be possible without the impressive performances from the most unlikely of characters including a first pitch of major league grand slam from Nava, and that week long stretch where Darnell Mcdonald couldn’t help but win games for the Sox.

This Sox team is different than the past few years; they are not boring as hell. They actually look like they enjoy playing baseball. David Ortiz is smiling again, and when Big Papi smiles its infectious. And he has plenty of reasons to smile with the All-Star season he has been having. But if you ask me who the MVP of the first have is so far, I would tell you it has got to be Adrian Beltre. Beltre can play some baseball, not only has he shown off his glove with a few web gems, he has been the most consistent hitter on the club. Beltre is also a big part of this team’s ability to have fun and enjoy the game. He is a magnificent clubhouse guy bringing a great energy and sense of humor to the team, just don’t touch his hair.

Given all of the injuries and obstacles this team has to endure, they are not doing too shabby. If the Sox ever get 100% healthy, 2010 could be a real good year for the local 9.
  
Update: Since writing this article Youk left the game with ‘right ankle pain,’ Beltre fouled a ball off his leg, the bullpen is struggling and the Sox are now 3.5 games down in the East. Oh well, get ‘em next year.

Group Stage Review, SPOILER ALERT!!! Knockout Stage Preview

Welcome back, loyal readers, I hope you are all enjoying the World Cup as much as I am. The group stage is now behind us, and the real fun begins! The main thing that jumps out at me so far from the group stage is the success that non-European teams have enjoyed. All five South American teams, two of three CONCACAF teams, two of five Asia/Oceania teams, and one African team have advanced to make up ten of the sixteen remaining teams. This provides a stark contrast to the last sixteen of tournaments past. Consider that since the Cup was expanded to a thirty-two-team format in 1998, Europe has provided twenty-nine of forty-eight teams in the knockout stages: ten in 1998, nine in 2002, and ten in 2006. The continent's dominance of the latter stages has been undeniable over that time period, leading many to conclude that the overwhelming preeminence of the European club game and the money that it has generated has widened the gap between the rich (European) and poor (everyone else) nations. It has also been argued that due to the vast financial power of the Champions'League, EPL, La Liga, and Serie A, the World Cup and international soccer has become lessened in importance, becoming a burden for managers and players who make their money in club competition.

The fact that the 2010 edition has been such a global tournament thus far is extremely refreshing for me, and I think the rest of the world would tend to agree. Nowhere else can one find the excitement of Japan vs. Cameroon in a truly competitive setting, a clash of Asian and African flavors. That is why the tournament is so magnificent. It brings together lovers of joga bonita from all corners of the Earth, and the opportunity to witness their different approaches, tactics, skill levels, mentalities, and cultures all while sharing the same core values of soccer will always be breathtaking for me. It is pride, glory, and competition at their finest. The World Cup always has been and always will be the pinnacle of soccer achievement, the grandest stage in the sport. The hunger, commitment, and skill put on display by the rest of the world has shown that this is the most important competition to them as well, and if UEFA wants to focus on its club soccer, everyone else will be happy to send them home early. The South American nations have been particularly impressive and the continent can rightly be applauded for 100% of its participants surviving the group stage.

The United States had a somewhat topsy-turvy experience in Group C, but in the end emerged as deserved winners. The first match was a nervy 1-1 draw with England. Greensides all around, boys. The second match was an incredible, gutsy comeback from two down at halftime against Slovenia to tie, which should have been a victory which would have gone down in World Cup lore as a classic but for some truly bogus refereeing. Knowing that they needed a win in their final match, against Algeria, the U.S. dominated and should have scored numerous times but were thwarted by the post, more bogus refereeing, the goalkeeper, and poor finishing. Meanwhile, England scored in the first half of their match against Slovenia. Had the results remained that way, 0-0 in our game and 1-0 England in the other, we would have been cruelly eliminated. We never gave up though, and in the ninety-first minute, the ninety-first, Donovan got a boot on Dempsey's rebound after a quick counter attack and put a bulge in the old onion bag. What a bulge it was! Pandemonium ensued in my brain and many a brain across this nation, and when the final whistle blew the U.S. emerged as group winners by virtue of goal difference over England. The poor decisions by officials, the bad luck, none of it mattered in the end and we got what we deserved over the course of three games- group winners and a berth in the Round of 16.

Before we go on, a few more points about the group stage.

-France, no matter what happens in the rest of the tournament, you are the undeniable loser. Disgraceful. Talk about giving yourselves Les Blues.

-Italy, you deserve to not go through, that's what you get for your negativity against teams that you should be beating handily.

-Ball boys, stop throwing extra balls on the field.

-TV, stop showing slow-motion, ultra close-up images of spit flying out of the goalie's mouth while the other team is breaking down the wing and having a shot at goal.

-Everybody except Japan, practice free kicks.



Now, onto my predictions for the knockout stage.

NOTE: THESE PREDICTIONS ARE NOT REALLY PREDICTIONS THEY ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING TRUTH LIKE PAUL PIERCE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE REST OF THE TOURNAMENT STOP READING IMMEDIATELY

I have discovered a Book that contains the Secrets of the 2010 Fifa World Cup results. It has been Written. The Book's Writers are unknown. They were extremely clever, however, and buried their Message in an almost indecipherable Code. I have managed to crack it after much meticulous research. What the Authors did was to first write the Message, which I have discovered to be this:

"Scott K will run through the streets naked after the United States soccer squad defeats Ghana, Uruguay, Brazil, and Spain to claim the trophy. Also, the aforementioned will wash by hand every United States citizen's pink elephant as a celebratory ritual. Pusillanimous".

Cryptic, isn't it? As if that strangely worded Message was not enough, the Writers then chopped up its words and jumbled them in a random, chaotic order. Lastly, they filled in the gaps between these words and even the punctuation with pages upon pages of nonsensical jargon. Let me tell you, figuring it all out was a sonofabitch, but so worth it. As a way of thanks for their continued support, I want to give the blog's dedicated followers the opportunity to get their hands on a genuine copy of the Code for themselves. Blog To Be Named Later is proud to announce exclusively that it can be found here:

http://www.amazon.com/Merriam-Websters-Collegiate-Dictionary-Laminated-Cover/dp/0877798079/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277526449&sr=1-1

Hambani Kahle, amigos.

A Thought for Lesotho

Yes, yes, I know we are all very excited for the World Cup to start in six days. However, being the leading journalist that I am, I felt it was my responsibility to take a different view of the buildup to the tournament, and I want to take a brief moment to talk about poor Lesotho.

Lesotho, since you probably don't know, is a small country located not only in Southern Africa but inside South Africa. The entire country is surrounded by the hosts of this year's World Cup. I can think of few crueler fates than to be literally surrounded by Cup festivities and the world's attention, yet still shut out from participation. Rearrange Lesotho and what do you get? The Solo.

Credit to South Africa for getting ready for the World Cup on time and in style, but they missed an opportunity here to become the coolest country ever by inviting Lesotho to be joint hosts. South Africa/Lesotho 2010 FIFA World Cup. Has a nice ring to it. So while you grab your vuvuzela and cheer on the Bafana Bafana on Friday, spare a thought for this soccer-loving Lesothan baby.




And his cat.



World Cup All-Hair Team is next. Hambani Kahle, amigos.

Henry to New York?, Gooch Forfeits Salary

I appreciate you bearing with me while I delved into some niche sports in that last post. Back to mainstream American sports for this one, and big news (possibly) coming out of MLS with reports that Thierry Henry has agreed a deal with New York Red Bulls. Shouts to fellow blogsters Bones and "Thunder" Dan for calling my attention to this one. The NY club has not released any offical statement regarding the deal, but it is being widely circulated on many media outlets. The World Cup-winning, European Championship-winning, two-time EPL-winning, 2-time La Liga-winning, and Champions' League-winning (to name just a few) Frenchman has long spoken of his love for the United States, particularly New York City, and his desire to play in the MLS when his days in Europe had finished. Henry has regularly visited the States in the past and one of his best friends is everyone's fourth favorite French NBA player behind Boris Diaw, Mickael Pietrus, and Rodrigue Beaubois. The answer is Tony Parker. The two are known to hang together quite a bit and Titi enjoys attending his games while on vacation. This is a story to keep our eyes on, and I just put the number for Red Bulls season tickets into my phone for quick reference.

Over in Italia, Oguchi Onyewu has agreed a unique deal with AC Milan (the very same AC Milan that has never lost a game when Scotty K was in the stands). The towering U.S. center back, who missed all but one game of this past season with a knee injury, asked Milan to extend his contract by one year, to the end of the 2012-13 season, and told them that he wants to play that last year for no salary. "Onyewu, who has been out for virtually the whole season due to injury, but who at this time is getting ready to face the World Cup adventure in South Africa with his national team, has become a star today with a significant gesture from a personal and professional standpoint. Onyewu has requested and obtained a contract extension from June 30, 2012 until June 30, 2013. With respect to that year, as was his wish, which has been appreciated by the club, Onyewu has asked not to receive any type of wages. This is an exemplary gesture that deserves our sincere congratulations," said the club.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Hambani Kahle, amigos.

Game 1 of Stanley Cup Finals to be Played Between Periods of Pee Wee Hockey Game

The NHL players currently battling out the Conference Finals in the Stanley Cup Playoffs have received an extra bit of incentive to go for glory.

Gary Bettman, Commissioner of the National Hockey League, announced yesterday that Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs would be held between the first and second periods of the regular season clash between the Davisville Hawks and the North City stars in the Pee Wee Division. "These grown men have worked hard all season," remarked a visibly excited Bettman. "They certainly deserve to play in front of a crowd for such a big game, and I'm sure the parents in the stands will be very polite and enthusiastic in their support."

Upon hearing this big news, the coaches and players from all four teams still in the running to showcase their talents at the 650 capacity Alan B. Wood Rink expressed their determination to earn a berth in that game. "Its gonna be really fun. I think it will give us a chance to show the people of the North City area what Stanley Cup hockey is all about," said San Jose Sharks center Joe Thornton. When asked his opinion of the upcoming game, hockey dad Steve Anderson said he plans to use the intermission to get a coffee at the concession stand. "Sure, I'd love to see what these NHL players have to offer, but I'll be lucky just to be awake. These 4 AM games on Sunday are ridiculous."

Unfortunately, due to time constraints with the actual game being played and the need for the zamboni to clean the ice after Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Bettman confirmed that the game would be shortened to five minutes. Nonetheless, he urged the players to "just go out there, give it their all, and most importantly have fun." The NHL is still looking for a rink for Game 2. Last but certainly not least, the mornings events will not only appeal to hockey fans as the Pelham Figure Skating Club have confirmed that they will be performing during the second intermission.

Preliminary U.S. Squad Announced, Davies Misses Out

On Tuesday U.S. Men's National Team Coach Bob Bradley announced a preliminary thirty-man roster for next month's (damn that sounds nice) World Cup. The squad, which will be trimmed down to twenty-three by FIFA's June 1 deadline, is as follows:

Goalkeepers: Brad Guzan (Aston Villa), Tim Howard (Everton), Marcus Hahnemann (Wolverhampton)

Midfielders: DaMarcus Beasley (Rangers), Alejandro Bedoya (Örebro), Michael Bradley (Borussia Mönchengladbach), Ricardo Clark (Eintracht Frankfurt), Clint Dempsey (Fulham), Landon Donovan (Los Angeles Galaxy), Maurice Edu (Rangers), Benny Feilhaber (Aarhus), Stuart Holden (Bolton), Sacha Kljestan (Chivas USA), Robbie Rogers (Columbus Crew), José Torres (Pachuca)

Forwards: Jozy Altidore (Villarreal), Edson Buddle (Los Angeles Galaxy), Brian Ching (Houston Dynamo), Robbie Findley (Real Salt Lake), Herculez Gomez (Puebla), Eddie Johnson (Aris Thessaloniki)

The MLS has only six representatives in the squad, with the bulk of the players coming from such international powerhouses as Örebro, Aarhus, and Aris Thessaloniki. This is in sharp contrast to the 2002 team that shocked the world by reaching the quarterfinals, which featured 12 MLS players, the squad four years ago that featured 11 MLS players. The fact that Bradley has cut these numbers in half even before the final cuts are made indicates a lack of trust in MLS and the players it produces. Our league may not be a match for the top few leagues in Europe now or perhaps ever, but nor are the Swedish or Danish leagues a match for La Liga and the English Premier League. A show of faith in MLS and exposing its players to the sport's biggest stage is the best way for the league to grow, and Bradley's selections speak loudly of a bias towards foreign-based players. In my mind he can only justify ignoring the MLS with results- round of sixteen at least if not the quarterfinals and beyond. I am not Bradley's biggest fan, and am convinced that after a needlessly shaky qualifying process his job was only saved last summer by an improbable (and somewhat flukish) second-place finish in the Confederations' Cup. Let's hope he has figured out what he's doing.

A quick word on the goalies. Brad Friedel, for my money the best American goalie around even at 38, is not in the pool, having retired from international soccer in 2005. Friedel has been a mainstay in the EPL for over a decade, and impressively holds the record for consecutive EPL games played- 226 (and counting). Even at his age he continues to excel consistently, and I find it frustrating that one of the three goalies in the squad is his backup at Aston Villa (and subsequently never plays in actual games.) The U.S'. strongest position by far is between the sticks, and even on paper we have a clear advantage there over most teams in the world, including England. Tim Howard, luckily, also happens to be one of the best GKs in England and barring injury will be the only goalie seeing action. Come on Timmy, get your shaved head ready for standing on!

Finally, the big news accompanying the squad announcement is that Charlie Davies has been left out. I think the whole country was rooting for him to recover in time from the car accident last year that killed a fellow passenger and left him with both bones in his right leg broken, an elbow fractured, facial injuries, and a lacerated bladder. He made a near-miraculous recovery to return to training with his club Sochaux in March, but failed to appear for the team again this season. Bradley has stated that it was a very hard decision to leave him out but that USMNT staff and Sochaux staff alike felt he wasn't ready for the tournament. I can imagine how hard that is for Charlie to take. I, along with millions of kids all over the world, have always dreamed of the chance to represent your nation in the World Cup and Davies was so close to realizing that dream. Here's hoping Charlie can continue to grow as a player and show the world what he can do in Brazil in 2014.

Fulham lost the Europa League Final in overtime 2-1 to Atletico Madrid. Despite the loss, Clint Dempsey came on in the 55th min, so Scotty K will be running around the streets of Methuen shirtless. Lock up your daughters and wives and sisters and mistresses and female cousins and female second cousins, people near New Hampshire.

Hambani Kahle, amigos.