Death of King George Steinbrenner III Embroils Yankee Empire Into Civil War

Bronx, New York

Just hours after the Tuesday morning death of King George Steinbrenner III, the sovereign overlord of the Yankee Empire, with lands extending from the neighborhoods of the Bronx, to the barrios of Latin America, to the crowded streets of Tokyo, Japan, his two sons Prince Hank Steinbrenner, and Prince Hal Steinbrenner, both General Managing partners within the organization, began a war for sole possession of the throne.

World Cup All-Hair Team

My behavior since July 11, 2010 has been somewhat controversial at Just Kickin' It! Headquarters (my parents' house).

"Mom, Dad!", I say. "What's the big deal!?"

"You have skipped work for four straight days and have been doing nought but drinking, singing, and dancing in the streets!", They say.

"But Spain won the World Cup!!! All the Spaniards are doing it!!!"

"Maybe they are, but you're not in Spain."

Do they really think that is gonna stop me?

¡VAMOS MI ESPAÑA!
¡VAMOS CAMPEON!
¡LO LO LO LO
LO LO LO LO LO!


The Just Kickin' It! 2010 All-Hair World Cup Team:


Goalkeeper- Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico)

Ochoa is also the recipient of the Just Kickin' It! Worst Commercials-Appeared-in-to-Minutes-of-Soccer-Played-in-the-World-Cup-Award (2,010:0).



Right Back- Bacary Sagna (France)


Sagna's choice of hairstyle was a prize for winning a bet with his father that, as a teenager playing for Auxerre's youth team, he would score against the senior side. You tell him, Bac.





Center Back- Rigobert Song (Cameroon)



He played in the 1994 World Cup. He reminds me of Mufasa. Team Captain.









Center Back- Marcus Tulio Tanaka (Japan)


The São Paolo-born defender (with awesome hair) brought Brazilian flair and awesome hair to a surprising Japanese team.





Left Back- Fabio Coentrao (Portugal)


Actually pretty good at soccer considering how much effort he has put into starting a Portuguese glam metal band. Drummer Cristiano Ronaldo's plans to join have been way laid by an unexpected human baby he made.







Left Midfield- Hassan Yebda (Algeria)


Keep laughing at him. As 3D technology continues to advance, that ball will one day smack you in the face.




Center Midfield- Marek Hamsik (Slovakia)




The Exotic Bird, as he is called by the Slovak fans, poses for the team photo. He knows.








Center Midfield- Cesc Fabregas (Spain)

Dreamy as ever.








Right Midfield- Gervinho (Cote d'Ivoire)

Remember that ESPN commercial with U2 music from the 2006 World Cup where Drogba and the Cote d'Ivoire national team cause a ceasefire in the country's civil war? He's from there. And he has awesome hair.





Striker- Walter Martinez (Honduras)


Walter Martinez is the official 2010 FIFA World Cup player of your bag of Skittles.






Striker- Djibril Cisse (France)

The British Parliament loves when representatives of the nobility feature in the Just Kickin' It! World Cup All-Hair Team. The Lord of the Manor of Frodsham is player-coach. Do yourself a favor and google more pictures of this badass.



Thank you South Africa for an amazing month (I looked for you on the map every time they showed it, Lesotho). Countdown to Brazil 2014 starts very soon, but not quite yet!

A very special guest will be joining the blog soon, keep your eyes here you won't want to miss it!

Hambahni Kahle, amigos.

¡VAMOS MI ESPAÑA!
¡VAMOS CAMPEON!
¡LO LO LO LO
LO LO LO LO LO!

Fine, I wish Cesc still rocked this.

The Last Few Months

Finally a new collective bargaining agreement has been signed and our work stoppage has ended. It feels like 1994 all over again and I just hope us writers here at the blog don't need to take steroids to get our fans back. I can finally get back to doing what I do best: making observations about professional athletics that are entertaining only to me.

These last few months have seen a lot happen in our world: the Celtics went from old, to young, to old again in the span of 50 days; a popular soccer tournament began and is currently underway; something happened in hockey; baseball began and only has three good teams, all of whom are in the AL East; the Gulf of Mexico was paved over; we re-entered the Cold War with Russia; and some dude from some basketball team decided to play for some other basketball team. That is a lot to happen in a few months, and that is a lot to talk about. I am lazy so I will only mention a few while illuminating those topics with astute perspective and knowledge. As we all know, my point of view is always the right one.

Baseball: The season is at the All Star Break, and as expected, the good teams are where they should be and the bad teams are occupying their roles as doormats. The Yankees will be handed the AL East once again after their trade with the Mariners for the AL's best pitcher, Cliff Lee, is finalized. The Rays attempt to get their acts together after their stumble through June that saw a nice dugout scuffle between B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria while the Red Sox continue to be a strong argument for universal health care. One of these teams will roll through the playoffs and onto the Series, and unfortunately, it look like it will be the Bankees. We hold out hope for the Sox, but they should probably change their name from the Red Sox to the Red Cross.


Basketball: The Boston Celtics were one of the most enigmatic teams of the 2009-2010 season. They managed to change from a team of washed up, careless veterans to a squad of giant killers who came to within 6 minutes of having defeated Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, Dwight Howard, and Kobe Bryant in a single playoffs. It would have been one of the storied franchise's biggest accomplishments but unfortunately injuries and age undid them at the worst time. Going into the Summer of Lebron, the Celtics look for one last shot at a title while the Lakers remain the favorite. As the free agency orgy comes to its messy climax, the Bulls look like the upcomers, and the Hawks look to grow and mature. Both teams have a long way to go but can make a run at the Eastern Conference title if they can get their heads on straight. You heard it hear first (or maybe read, not sure) the Heat will collapse and not make it past the second round. Commence drama in South Beach.

Lebron James: Lebron James does what is best for Lebron James to make Lebron James the Lebron Jamesiest Lebron James to ever Lebron James a Lebron James. He is very humble. Also, no one is allowed to play as the Heat in any NBA videogame now that a videogame version of them has been created in real life. Kind of ridiculous.

Football: The Jets are overrated. Mark Sanchez will have a sophomore slump, and Tomlinson is no upgrade over Thomas Jones. I hate the Jets, Colts, Dolphins, and Giants. Patriots in 2010-2011! Wooo!

Fútbol:BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

A South African Bee Hive.

So that is the past few months in a nutshell. Nothing else happened that is important. I'd like to welcome myself back to the blogosphere, and to send a shout out to Pablo and Bonetti, two hard working contributors to the Most Important Blog Ever Read. Cheers.



Oh and America is still number one, despite their decision to not beat Ghana in the World Cup.

These Colors don't run, they just sometimes lose in extra time to a third world nation.

Poorly Photoshopped NBA Free Agency Frenzy

So here we are at the culmination of the craziest free agency period in the history of the NBA. Now that Lebron had a useless hour long show, all of the big free agents have officially picked their teams for the 2010-2011 season. So now comes the best part. What is the best part you may ask? Of course the best part is players being photoshopped into their new team's jerseys! So without further ado I present you with the big free agents heads on different people's bodies. I hope you enjoy my photoshop skills.

1. Lebron in Miami:

 

 2. He'll be playing with Chris Bosh who is now in Miami:

3. and D-Wade will still be in Miami: (yes I photoshopped this one too)

4. Now Amare is lonely on the Knicks:

5. Carlos Boozer is cool with being on the Bulls now:

6. Here is what Lebron would have looked like had he gone to NY, NJ or CHI:

7.

7. and the Nets signed Travis Outlaw, the Timberwolves signed Darko Milicic:

Red Sox Mid-Season Report

As of today July 6, 2010 the Red Sox are 49-35, only 2.5 games out of first in the AL East, facing the 2^nd place Tampa Bay Rays and they are starting 5 players that started the year in the minor leagues or on the bench including starting pitcher Felix Doubront, a 22-yr old lefty with a total of 1 major league start under his belt.

This team has been absolutely plagued by injuries, the likes of which I have never seen. It’s as if a tornado of broken bones and sore muscles came barreling through the clubhouse and left us with a team that would more likely be seen in Pawtucket than it would in Boston. It really is unprecedented how debilitated this team is, and how all the injuries seem to be freak accidents. Losing multiple players to vicious foul tips is never a good sign. And then you have Adrian Beltre, the man whose apparent mission is to destroy Red Sox Left Fielders. Considered yourself warned Daniel Nava, you never know when he will strike, the only advice I can give is let him catch the fly ball.

Yet here we are, despite all of these setbacks, the Sox are still producing and still playing some quality baseball.  Boston had 6 or 7(depending on the final vote) players selected to the All-Star team although only 3 of them will be able to play in the game, that is assuming those players do not get hurt (currently knocking on wood). Outside of the injuries the biggest surprise of this season so far has been that this team actually has an offense. Not only does the offense just exist, it’s actually really good. They are leading the league in Runs, RBI, SLG, doubles, and total bases, and in the top 3 in Hits, AVG, OBP, walks, and HR. There are no two-ways about it; this defensive run-prevention team can flat out hit the baseball.  Their ability to hit and their starting pitchers are what have kept this team afloat and still in the AL East race.

Of course there are the usual suspects, like great years from Pedroia, Youk and Vic Mart and pitching of Lester, Lackey and somewhat of a surprise All Star season from Buchholz.  But their good fortune couldn’t be possible without the impressive performances from the most unlikely of characters including a first pitch of major league grand slam from Nava, and that week long stretch where Darnell Mcdonald couldn’t help but win games for the Sox.

This Sox team is different than the past few years; they are not boring as hell. They actually look like they enjoy playing baseball. David Ortiz is smiling again, and when Big Papi smiles its infectious. And he has plenty of reasons to smile with the All-Star season he has been having. But if you ask me who the MVP of the first have is so far, I would tell you it has got to be Adrian Beltre. Beltre can play some baseball, not only has he shown off his glove with a few web gems, he has been the most consistent hitter on the club. Beltre is also a big part of this team’s ability to have fun and enjoy the game. He is a magnificent clubhouse guy bringing a great energy and sense of humor to the team, just don’t touch his hair.

Given all of the injuries and obstacles this team has to endure, they are not doing too shabby. If the Sox ever get 100% healthy, 2010 could be a real good year for the local 9.
  
Update: Since writing this article Youk left the game with ‘right ankle pain,’ Beltre fouled a ball off his leg, the bullpen is struggling and the Sox are now 3.5 games down in the East. Oh well, get ‘em next year.

Group Stage Review, SPOILER ALERT!!! Knockout Stage Preview

Welcome back, loyal readers, I hope you are all enjoying the World Cup as much as I am. The group stage is now behind us, and the real fun begins! The main thing that jumps out at me so far from the group stage is the success that non-European teams have enjoyed. All five South American teams, two of three CONCACAF teams, two of five Asia/Oceania teams, and one African team have advanced to make up ten of the sixteen remaining teams. This provides a stark contrast to the last sixteen of tournaments past. Consider that since the Cup was expanded to a thirty-two-team format in 1998, Europe has provided twenty-nine of forty-eight teams in the knockout stages: ten in 1998, nine in 2002, and ten in 2006. The continent's dominance of the latter stages has been undeniable over that time period, leading many to conclude that the overwhelming preeminence of the European club game and the money that it has generated has widened the gap between the rich (European) and poor (everyone else) nations. It has also been argued that due to the vast financial power of the Champions'League, EPL, La Liga, and Serie A, the World Cup and international soccer has become lessened in importance, becoming a burden for managers and players who make their money in club competition.

The fact that the 2010 edition has been such a global tournament thus far is extremely refreshing for me, and I think the rest of the world would tend to agree. Nowhere else can one find the excitement of Japan vs. Cameroon in a truly competitive setting, a clash of Asian and African flavors. That is why the tournament is so magnificent. It brings together lovers of joga bonita from all corners of the Earth, and the opportunity to witness their different approaches, tactics, skill levels, mentalities, and cultures all while sharing the same core values of soccer will always be breathtaking for me. It is pride, glory, and competition at their finest. The World Cup always has been and always will be the pinnacle of soccer achievement, the grandest stage in the sport. The hunger, commitment, and skill put on display by the rest of the world has shown that this is the most important competition to them as well, and if UEFA wants to focus on its club soccer, everyone else will be happy to send them home early. The South American nations have been particularly impressive and the continent can rightly be applauded for 100% of its participants surviving the group stage.

The United States had a somewhat topsy-turvy experience in Group C, but in the end emerged as deserved winners. The first match was a nervy 1-1 draw with England. Greensides all around, boys. The second match was an incredible, gutsy comeback from two down at halftime against Slovenia to tie, which should have been a victory which would have gone down in World Cup lore as a classic but for some truly bogus refereeing. Knowing that they needed a win in their final match, against Algeria, the U.S. dominated and should have scored numerous times but were thwarted by the post, more bogus refereeing, the goalkeeper, and poor finishing. Meanwhile, England scored in the first half of their match against Slovenia. Had the results remained that way, 0-0 in our game and 1-0 England in the other, we would have been cruelly eliminated. We never gave up though, and in the ninety-first minute, the ninety-first, Donovan got a boot on Dempsey's rebound after a quick counter attack and put a bulge in the old onion bag. What a bulge it was! Pandemonium ensued in my brain and many a brain across this nation, and when the final whistle blew the U.S. emerged as group winners by virtue of goal difference over England. The poor decisions by officials, the bad luck, none of it mattered in the end and we got what we deserved over the course of three games- group winners and a berth in the Round of 16.

Before we go on, a few more points about the group stage.

-France, no matter what happens in the rest of the tournament, you are the undeniable loser. Disgraceful. Talk about giving yourselves Les Blues.

-Italy, you deserve to not go through, that's what you get for your negativity against teams that you should be beating handily.

-Ball boys, stop throwing extra balls on the field.

-TV, stop showing slow-motion, ultra close-up images of spit flying out of the goalie's mouth while the other team is breaking down the wing and having a shot at goal.

-Everybody except Japan, practice free kicks.



Now, onto my predictions for the knockout stage.

NOTE: THESE PREDICTIONS ARE NOT REALLY PREDICTIONS THEY ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING TRUTH LIKE PAUL PIERCE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE REST OF THE TOURNAMENT STOP READING IMMEDIATELY

I have discovered a Book that contains the Secrets of the 2010 Fifa World Cup results. It has been Written. The Book's Writers are unknown. They were extremely clever, however, and buried their Message in an almost indecipherable Code. I have managed to crack it after much meticulous research. What the Authors did was to first write the Message, which I have discovered to be this:

"Scott K will run through the streets naked after the United States soccer squad defeats Ghana, Uruguay, Brazil, and Spain to claim the trophy. Also, the aforementioned will wash by hand every United States citizen's pink elephant as a celebratory ritual. Pusillanimous".

Cryptic, isn't it? As if that strangely worded Message was not enough, the Writers then chopped up its words and jumbled them in a random, chaotic order. Lastly, they filled in the gaps between these words and even the punctuation with pages upon pages of nonsensical jargon. Let me tell you, figuring it all out was a sonofabitch, but so worth it. As a way of thanks for their continued support, I want to give the blog's dedicated followers the opportunity to get their hands on a genuine copy of the Code for themselves. Blog To Be Named Later is proud to announce exclusively that it can be found here:

http://www.amazon.com/Merriam-Websters-Collegiate-Dictionary-Laminated-Cover/dp/0877798079/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277526449&sr=1-1

Hambani Kahle, amigos.

A Thought for Lesotho

Yes, yes, I know we are all very excited for the World Cup to start in six days. However, being the leading journalist that I am, I felt it was my responsibility to take a different view of the buildup to the tournament, and I want to take a brief moment to talk about poor Lesotho.

Lesotho, since you probably don't know, is a small country located not only in Southern Africa but inside South Africa. The entire country is surrounded by the hosts of this year's World Cup. I can think of few crueler fates than to be literally surrounded by Cup festivities and the world's attention, yet still shut out from participation. Rearrange Lesotho and what do you get? The Solo.

Credit to South Africa for getting ready for the World Cup on time and in style, but they missed an opportunity here to become the coolest country ever by inviting Lesotho to be joint hosts. South Africa/Lesotho 2010 FIFA World Cup. Has a nice ring to it. So while you grab your vuvuzela and cheer on the Bafana Bafana on Friday, spare a thought for this soccer-loving Lesothan baby.




And his cat.



World Cup All-Hair Team is next. Hambani Kahle, amigos.