The Albert Haynesworth Complex

As inevitable as the bright green leaves of summer turning to red, orange, yellow and brown each year, is the annual fat-defensive-lineman-showing-up-out-of-shape saga at NFL training camps. Each season head coaches require their players to run conditioning tests which usually involved wind sprints on the field of a certain distance under a certain time threshold, depending on position. Coaches around the league justify this as a minimum physical requirement to be able to withstand the rigors of the hot summer practices, and the games to follow. Players who cannot pass the test do not get to practice with their teammates. Players who do not practice with their teammates do not get to play; which means no game checks.

One might think there was an incentive for Mr. Albert Haynesworth to be able to pass his physical upon showing up at Redskins Training camp 3 weeks ago. Going into his second year of his 6 year, $100 million contract, one would think he would want to prove his worth after being so vastly overpaid. When new head coach Mike Shanahan took over the team last winter he wanted to switch the defense from a 4-3 alignment (4 down defensive linemen, 3 linebackers behind them) to a 3-4 (3 down defensive linemen and 4 linebackers), which Haynesworth believed would restrict his playmaking ability. He promptly called for a trade and skipped mandatory offseason workouts in protest.

When July rolled around and players were showing up for camps, Shanahan declared that Haynesworth had to pass a special conditioning test to prove he stayed in shape during the offseason since he refused to train with the team. The test involved 6 50 yard dashes that needed to be completed in 2 minutes, with a 3 minute break between another round of 6 50 yard dashes. Albert was unable to complete the test on his first try; or his second, third, or fourth. After taking a few days off because of an ankle injury, he finally completed the test, after missing a week of camp.

A permanent rift has been created between player and team because of the ordeal, and the end result will probably not be clean. The missed practices and preseason games will start Haynesworth off at a disadvantage and may affect him for the entire season.

Can this man run 300 yards?

New England Patriots defensive lineman Ron Brace is currently in his second year of the NFL, and after a poor rookie season the young player came into camp needing to assert himself to keep his roster spot. Upon showing up he failed his conditioning test for over a week. For a young player with much to prove a failed conditioning test is devastating.

Can this man eat 300 hotdogs?

The odd thing is these players are massive and fat. How can they keep their massive sizes and weights while still retaining the ability to run several hundred yards? These athletes are some of the most unique specimens in

the world. They are capable of short, quick bursts of speed and strength that can only last a few short seconds. To see them completely gassed on the field, sweat dripping off their faces, fat bouncing as they run, is a strange sight. A fat man who can run 600 yards in only a few minutes is almost oxymoronic.

Shaquille O’Neal: NBA Legend, Entertainer, Newest Boston Celtic

A press conference was held Tuesday, making it official that Shaquille “Shaq, Shaq Fu, The Big Twitterer , Manny Shaq-iaou, The Big Deporter, Wilt Chamberneazy, The Big eQuotatious, The Big Maravich, M.D.E (Most Dominant Ever), The Big Baryshnikov, The Big Agave, The Big Galactus, The Real Deal, Witness Protection, Diesel, Shaq Daddy, The Big Felon, The Big Field General, Shaqovic, The Big IPO, Shaq-tus, L.C.L .(Last Center Left), Dr. Shaq, Osama Bin Shaq, The Big Banana, The Big Aristotle” O’Neal has signed with the Boston Celtics.  This news could not have made me happier. 

A-Rod's 444 career home runs.

The writers at the most important sports blog ever written would like to congratulate Alex Rodriguez on 444 career home runs. This is a truly remarkable feet, leaving him 56 away from the famous 500 milestone and 156 from 600. He might some day reach the hallowed mark of 600, but with only 4 members existing in the club, Aaron, Mays, Ruth, and Griffey Jr, history is not on his side.

After 444 home runs A-Rod has a stiff neck.

Brett Favre Retires For The… *Yawn*… Fourth Time

The hall of fame career of Brett Favre may have finally come to an end today as sources within the Vikings have reported his ankle was not healing the way he hoped and has to call it quits. Although the report has yet to be confirmed by coach Brad Childress or even Favre himself, we can take the chance to review his heralded career and compare him to other current and past greats.

Favre’s Stats (1991-2009 Seasons)

Favre throws picks in his Wranglers.

 Rating: 86.4

Completion Percentage: 62.0

Yards: 69,329

Touchdowns: 497

Interceptions:317

Championships: 1

MVPs: 3

Teams Held Hostage Because of Retirements: 3

Favre’s statistics are impressive, if not great, holding all time records in yards, passing touchdowns, pass attempts, pass completions, interceptions and consecutive games started. He is a sure fire hall of famer who is in the discussion of greatest quarterback of all time. All this being said, I still believe he was overrated, and in the 2000s, I would have taken Tom Brady and Peyton Manning over him to play on my team.

Fracas in Fenway

Things got a little heated last night at Fenway Park between the Sox and the Tribe, most notably Beckett and Shelley Duncan for some reason. Nothing like a good bench clearer, but notice a fiery JD Drew finally showing up 40 seconds in, way after everyone else, including an injured Dustin Pedroia.

Bengals Sign Top Free Agent, Create SuperTeam

Watch the Ochocinco and T.O. Show, Sundays this Fall on CBS

CINCINNATI, OH – The entire landscape of professional sports, as we knew it, changed dramatically on July 27, 2010 when WR Terrell Owens decided to take his talents to the banks of the Ohio River and sign with the Cincinnati Bengals. The highly touted and sought after free agent decided to join fellow VH1 Reality TV Celebrity/NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco  and WR Antonio Bryant, making the Bengals some sort of super team, the likes of which have never been seen in any sport. Never before have superstar athletes banded together on one team to form a roster that would more likely appear in a video game than on a football field.

Man Unsure If Athlete Got New Contract Or Prison Sentence

After hearing the end of a sports newsflash on the radio, Tacoma resident and casual basketball fan Alan Wood had no idea whether NBA shooting guard Gilbert Arenas had signed a lucrative, multi-million dollar deal with one of the league's thirty franchises, or if he had instead been condemned to a lengthy stay in jail. Wood turned on the radio just in time to hear the broadcaster say "...sources report that Arenas will be looking at four or five years, although both sides say negotiations are not yet complete." Arenas, nicknamed Agent Zero, has averaged 22.7 points and 2.3 guns in his locker per game in his career. "Huh", said Wood.