Bengals Sign Top Free Agent, Create SuperTeam

Watch the Ochocinco and T.O. Show, Sundays this Fall on CBS

CINCINNATI, OH – The entire landscape of professional sports, as we knew it, changed dramatically on July 27, 2010 when WR Terrell Owens decided to take his talents to the banks of the Ohio River and sign with the Cincinnati Bengals. The highly touted and sought after free agent decided to join fellow VH1 Reality TV Celebrity/NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco  and WR Antonio Bryant, making the Bengals some sort of super team, the likes of which have never been seen in any sport. Never before have superstar athletes banded together on one team to form a roster that would more likely appear in a video game than on a football field.

Man Unsure If Athlete Got New Contract Or Prison Sentence

After hearing the end of a sports newsflash on the radio, Tacoma resident and casual basketball fan Alan Wood had no idea whether NBA shooting guard Gilbert Arenas had signed a lucrative, multi-million dollar deal with one of the league's thirty franchises, or if he had instead been condemned to a lengthy stay in jail. Wood turned on the radio just in time to hear the broadcaster say "...sources report that Arenas will be looking at four or five years, although both sides say negotiations are not yet complete." Arenas, nicknamed Agent Zero, has averaged 22.7 points and 2.3 guns in his locker per game in his career. "Huh", said Wood.

Cristiano Ronaldo Ready to Put "Team American Idol: International" Failure Behind Him

MADRID- The Portuguese superstar is nearly ready to start getting over his heartbreak in South Africa. After almost two weeks spent cooped up in his summer villa outside Madrid, Cristiano Ronaldo finally emerged with puffy eyes and unkempt hair to talk to reporters at a Real Madrid press conference. "I don't know how to explain our failure," he told the media. "[The Portuguese National Team] sang beautifully. We lined up in a straight line, just like the judges wanted. Our hair was puh...puh...perfect," Ronaldo sobbed. The crooner/winger admitted that he did not put much effort into the friendly soccer matches the competing singers played after the game, claiming that he was already focused on the next sing-off of national anthems. He did vow to come back with a stronger voice than ever at the Team American Idol: Europe competition in two years time.

Our Favorite World Cup Moments

For this post we all decided we would collaborate on a question and see what our answers were. The World Cup having just ended was the obvious topic to focus on. So our prompt was to think of our favorite World Cup moments. This is what we said:

Pablo:

Four agonizingly long years had passed since Fabio Grosso tucked his penalty kick away to hand Italy its fourth World Cup title in a shootout over France. South Africa 2010 was an eternity away.

The Way I See It

The way I see it is that I haven't had a post in quite some time and the world of sports is quite different now. The Saints won their first Super Bowl, we found out Tiger Woods likes sex and a lot of it, Uconn Women destroyed everyone- again, a rapist won another NBA championship, Brett Favre continues to be an asshole, a dream team of basketball scum has been formed in Miami, and a historic sports owner/manager George Steinbrenner's untimely death.

Kevin Durant: Not Your Average Superstar

It was the 2006-2007 season and my beloved Celtics were in the midst of one of their worst seasons ever.  They ended the season with an abysmal record of 24-58, including a record breaking 18-game losing streak. The Celtics had a good shot of getting one of the top 2 picks in the 2007 NBA draft.  So I spent most of that season watching college basketball looking to find out more about the top 2 prospects. One of these prospects was a frail old man, who was posing as a 7 foot college freshman at Ohio State, and the other was this skinny kid from Texas who could definitely play some basketball. As it turned out, the Celtics ended up with the 5^th overall pick which they traded for an NBA Championship instead of drafting Yi Jianlian.

Death of King George Steinbrenner III Embroils Yankee Empire Into Civil War

Bronx, New York

Just hours after the Tuesday morning death of King George Steinbrenner III, the sovereign overlord of the Yankee Empire, with lands extending from the neighborhoods of the Bronx, to the barrios of Latin America, to the crowded streets of Tokyo, Japan, his two sons Prince Hank Steinbrenner, and Prince Hal Steinbrenner, both General Managing partners within the organization, began a war for sole possession of the throne.

World Cup All-Hair Team

My behavior since July 11, 2010 has been somewhat controversial at Just Kickin' It! Headquarters (my parents' house).

"Mom, Dad!", I say. "What's the big deal!?"

"You have skipped work for four straight days and have been doing nought but drinking, singing, and dancing in the streets!", They say.

"But Spain won the World Cup!!! All the Spaniards are doing it!!!"

"Maybe they are, but you're not in Spain."

Do they really think that is gonna stop me?

¡VAMOS MI ESPAÑA!
¡VAMOS CAMPEON!
¡LO LO LO LO
LO LO LO LO LO!


The Just Kickin' It! 2010 All-Hair World Cup Team:


Goalkeeper- Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico)

Ochoa is also the recipient of the Just Kickin' It! Worst Commercials-Appeared-in-to-Minutes-of-Soccer-Played-in-the-World-Cup-Award (2,010:0).



Right Back- Bacary Sagna (France)


Sagna's choice of hairstyle was a prize for winning a bet with his father that, as a teenager playing for Auxerre's youth team, he would score against the senior side. You tell him, Bac.





Center Back- Rigobert Song (Cameroon)



He played in the 1994 World Cup. He reminds me of Mufasa. Team Captain.









Center Back- Marcus Tulio Tanaka (Japan)


The São Paolo-born defender (with awesome hair) brought Brazilian flair and awesome hair to a surprising Japanese team.





Left Back- Fabio Coentrao (Portugal)


Actually pretty good at soccer considering how much effort he has put into starting a Portuguese glam metal band. Drummer Cristiano Ronaldo's plans to join have been way laid by an unexpected human baby he made.







Left Midfield- Hassan Yebda (Algeria)


Keep laughing at him. As 3D technology continues to advance, that ball will one day smack you in the face.




Center Midfield- Marek Hamsik (Slovakia)




The Exotic Bird, as he is called by the Slovak fans, poses for the team photo. He knows.








Center Midfield- Cesc Fabregas (Spain)

Dreamy as ever.








Right Midfield- Gervinho (Cote d'Ivoire)

Remember that ESPN commercial with U2 music from the 2006 World Cup where Drogba and the Cote d'Ivoire national team cause a ceasefire in the country's civil war? He's from there. And he has awesome hair.





Striker- Walter Martinez (Honduras)


Walter Martinez is the official 2010 FIFA World Cup player of your bag of Skittles.






Striker- Djibril Cisse (France)

The British Parliament loves when representatives of the nobility feature in the Just Kickin' It! World Cup All-Hair Team. The Lord of the Manor of Frodsham is player-coach. Do yourself a favor and google more pictures of this badass.



Thank you South Africa for an amazing month (I looked for you on the map every time they showed it, Lesotho). Countdown to Brazil 2014 starts very soon, but not quite yet!

A very special guest will be joining the blog soon, keep your eyes here you won't want to miss it!

Hambahni Kahle, amigos.

¡VAMOS MI ESPAÑA!
¡VAMOS CAMPEON!
¡LO LO LO LO
LO LO LO LO LO!

Fine, I wish Cesc still rocked this.

The Last Few Months

Finally a new collective bargaining agreement has been signed and our work stoppage has ended. It feels like 1994 all over again and I just hope us writers here at the blog don't need to take steroids to get our fans back. I can finally get back to doing what I do best: making observations about professional athletics that are entertaining only to me.

These last few months have seen a lot happen in our world: the Celtics went from old, to young, to old again in the span of 50 days; a popular soccer tournament began and is currently underway; something happened in hockey; baseball began and only has three good teams, all of whom are in the AL East; the Gulf of Mexico was paved over; we re-entered the Cold War with Russia; and some dude from some basketball team decided to play for some other basketball team. That is a lot to happen in a few months, and that is a lot to talk about. I am lazy so I will only mention a few while illuminating those topics with astute perspective and knowledge. As we all know, my point of view is always the right one.

Baseball: The season is at the All Star Break, and as expected, the good teams are where they should be and the bad teams are occupying their roles as doormats. The Yankees will be handed the AL East once again after their trade with the Mariners for the AL's best pitcher, Cliff Lee, is finalized. The Rays attempt to get their acts together after their stumble through June that saw a nice dugout scuffle between B.J. Upton and Evan Longoria while the Red Sox continue to be a strong argument for universal health care. One of these teams will roll through the playoffs and onto the Series, and unfortunately, it look like it will be the Bankees. We hold out hope for the Sox, but they should probably change their name from the Red Sox to the Red Cross.


Basketball: The Boston Celtics were one of the most enigmatic teams of the 2009-2010 season. They managed to change from a team of washed up, careless veterans to a squad of giant killers who came to within 6 minutes of having defeated Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, Dwight Howard, and Kobe Bryant in a single playoffs. It would have been one of the storied franchise's biggest accomplishments but unfortunately injuries and age undid them at the worst time. Going into the Summer of Lebron, the Celtics look for one last shot at a title while the Lakers remain the favorite. As the free agency orgy comes to its messy climax, the Bulls look like the upcomers, and the Hawks look to grow and mature. Both teams have a long way to go but can make a run at the Eastern Conference title if they can get their heads on straight. You heard it hear first (or maybe read, not sure) the Heat will collapse and not make it past the second round. Commence drama in South Beach.

Lebron James: Lebron James does what is best for Lebron James to make Lebron James the Lebron Jamesiest Lebron James to ever Lebron James a Lebron James. He is very humble. Also, no one is allowed to play as the Heat in any NBA videogame now that a videogame version of them has been created in real life. Kind of ridiculous.

Football: The Jets are overrated. Mark Sanchez will have a sophomore slump, and Tomlinson is no upgrade over Thomas Jones. I hate the Jets, Colts, Dolphins, and Giants. Patriots in 2010-2011! Wooo!

Fútbol:BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

A South African Bee Hive.

So that is the past few months in a nutshell. Nothing else happened that is important. I'd like to welcome myself back to the blogosphere, and to send a shout out to Pablo and Bonetti, two hard working contributors to the Most Important Blog Ever Read. Cheers.



Oh and America is still number one, despite their decision to not beat Ghana in the World Cup.

These Colors don't run, they just sometimes lose in extra time to a third world nation.

Poorly Photoshopped NBA Free Agency Frenzy

So here we are at the culmination of the craziest free agency period in the history of the NBA. Now that Lebron had a useless hour long show, all of the big free agents have officially picked their teams for the 2010-2011 season. So now comes the best part. What is the best part you may ask? Of course the best part is players being photoshopped into their new team's jerseys! So without further ado I present you with the big free agents heads on different people's bodies. I hope you enjoy my photoshop skills.

1. Lebron in Miami:

 

 2. He'll be playing with Chris Bosh who is now in Miami:

3. and D-Wade will still be in Miami: (yes I photoshopped this one too)

4. Now Amare is lonely on the Knicks:

5. Carlos Boozer is cool with being on the Bulls now:

6. Here is what Lebron would have looked like had he gone to NY, NJ or CHI:

7.

7. and the Nets signed Travis Outlaw, the Timberwolves signed Darko Milicic:

Red Sox Mid-Season Report

As of today July 6, 2010 the Red Sox are 49-35, only 2.5 games out of first in the AL East, facing the 2^nd place Tampa Bay Rays and they are starting 5 players that started the year in the minor leagues or on the bench including starting pitcher Felix Doubront, a 22-yr old lefty with a total of 1 major league start under his belt.

This team has been absolutely plagued by injuries, the likes of which I have never seen. It’s as if a tornado of broken bones and sore muscles came barreling through the clubhouse and left us with a team that would more likely be seen in Pawtucket than it would in Boston. It really is unprecedented how debilitated this team is, and how all the injuries seem to be freak accidents. Losing multiple players to vicious foul tips is never a good sign. And then you have Adrian Beltre, the man whose apparent mission is to destroy Red Sox Left Fielders. Considered yourself warned Daniel Nava, you never know when he will strike, the only advice I can give is let him catch the fly ball.

Yet here we are, despite all of these setbacks, the Sox are still producing and still playing some quality baseball.  Boston had 6 or 7(depending on the final vote) players selected to the All-Star team although only 3 of them will be able to play in the game, that is assuming those players do not get hurt (currently knocking on wood). Outside of the injuries the biggest surprise of this season so far has been that this team actually has an offense. Not only does the offense just exist, it’s actually really good. They are leading the league in Runs, RBI, SLG, doubles, and total bases, and in the top 3 in Hits, AVG, OBP, walks, and HR. There are no two-ways about it; this defensive run-prevention team can flat out hit the baseball.  Their ability to hit and their starting pitchers are what have kept this team afloat and still in the AL East race.

Of course there are the usual suspects, like great years from Pedroia, Youk and Vic Mart and pitching of Lester, Lackey and somewhat of a surprise All Star season from Buchholz.  But their good fortune couldn’t be possible without the impressive performances from the most unlikely of characters including a first pitch of major league grand slam from Nava, and that week long stretch where Darnell Mcdonald couldn’t help but win games for the Sox.

This Sox team is different than the past few years; they are not boring as hell. They actually look like they enjoy playing baseball. David Ortiz is smiling again, and when Big Papi smiles its infectious. And he has plenty of reasons to smile with the All-Star season he has been having. But if you ask me who the MVP of the first have is so far, I would tell you it has got to be Adrian Beltre. Beltre can play some baseball, not only has he shown off his glove with a few web gems, he has been the most consistent hitter on the club. Beltre is also a big part of this team’s ability to have fun and enjoy the game. He is a magnificent clubhouse guy bringing a great energy and sense of humor to the team, just don’t touch his hair.

Given all of the injuries and obstacles this team has to endure, they are not doing too shabby. If the Sox ever get 100% healthy, 2010 could be a real good year for the local 9.
  
Update: Since writing this article Youk left the game with ‘right ankle pain,’ Beltre fouled a ball off his leg, the bullpen is struggling and the Sox are now 3.5 games down in the East. Oh well, get ‘em next year.